since young, i have always been inferior about myself, i have always been feeling insecure. i don't understand where did my strength came from, neither do i know how can i survive. praise God i should say.

one fine night, at the age of 4, a hand slowly creeped beside me. when i was young, i slept with my sis and mum in a small room. life wasn't too pleasant at that time. i had vague memories of my dad, i could only recall the times he brought home teddy bears to make me happy. yes, that hand... it was my sister. she was 7 and her hand was then slid into my shirt. i turned and she said: do the same to me. during that point of time, i do not know what to do but to obey. she started kissing me and told me the game is called: be a boy. all i need to do is to mirror whatever thing she do. i did.. we did it almost every night. she would then slowly told me to touch her private part and when she touched me, that feeling i had was good.
this continued for years. until it stopped one day after i attended a science class at 12.

one night, my mum actually asked me: tonite u all never be a boy?
i think nothing about it and said, yah don't have.
now as i think back, i hate my mum. i hate her for doing this to me!
i do not blame them that i have the tendency for girls now, because yes they made me feel good about it.
but... how would a family ever do this to u?

when my sister got attached after that, i was jealous. i was jealous that she "threw" me aside after what the world termed "abused" me. i could not figure out why i had such sour feelings when i see her kissing her boyfriend.. i hate it that this doesn't even matter to them at all! yet it does to me!

it was a deep traumatizing experience. i seek to find back the "good" feeling i had when i was in my teenage years. i started to even feel myself to see if i can ever feel good again..

i feel ashamed of myself in school. i feel so ashamed of myself. i dont want to be thrown away by anyone, hence i was like a "dog" in secondary school, being bullied by peers and looked down upon.. i yearn for love. yes i do... so much....

it's time...

So many things have happened.. yet i'm standing here.
my friend told me to see a doctor, afraid of PTSD. i know what's that. and i know i don't need a doctor.

all i need perhaps is just to channel it out to somewhere. someday someone may read it.
it's time for me to pen down.. my story.
it's time for me to slowly rant whatever emotions i have in this cyberspace.. and rant it all i can so that i can perhaps feel better, sleep in peace without having to depend on any pills anymore.

yes i'm all alone.. right now in this CNY. i hate CNY this year and yes i'm envious of all the post people can write about celebrating CNY and how closely knitted they are with their family and loved ones. i have NONE.

it's time...

And it's time..

to perhaps pen down my thoughts.

thank God my previous blogs are completely out of my life now. there will be no way i can retrieve it or look back.

Life is great.

CPR on this blog

Yes, reviving this blog after 2 years! like NOW